Me Me Me!
by Wait-what-pancakes
Summary: A request of Tumblr to combine the song Me!Me!Me by Teddyloid with FrUk. This is the unhappy result. (Contains heavy use of alcohol and depression.)


"Oh, remember that vacation in the Pyrenees? The nights were so cold up there!" Arthur smiled and held up the photo album for Francis to see, pointing at one of the pictures of the vacation. "This one is still so good to see. You cried like a baby when you had to jump off there!" Arthur laughed. A shrug came from Francis in response. Arthur sighed and closed the album. "You're not even listening are you?"

"Hey, want to cook together?"  
"Hey, please come to eat."  
"You've got to quit drinking Francis."

"Go to bed. You're drunk."

"I am not drunk. It's not that bad." Francis said slowly, his accent thick. "You go to bed, I'll come later."

"Are you really," Arthur said with a serious tone, looking him in the eye "going to bed soon?"

"Yeah, just… Got some mails to reply to."

"It's past twelve, Francis." Arthur stated angrily, to only receive a glassy-eyed look as response. Francis left the room. Arthur hated the slow, heavy thumps with which Francis walked up the stairs, to his office. He sat down on the couch and buried his face in his hands. He knew it wouldn't get better soon. Francis had no income, and this behaviour would only change if he would get a job again. It was a downward spiral. Arthur wanted to cry, but he had no more tears left. The house was silent again after Francis closed the door, and Arthur remained to sit there as an empty shell.

Arthur opened the door on a crack. He had been silent to not be spotted by his boyfriend, but his worries were unnecessary. Francis' head hung to the side, a soft snore emerged from him. His computer was still on. Porn, Arthur saw with a glance. Twinks. It was always twinks. One time Francis had told him that he watched these videos when Arthur still lived in London. That he just wanted to be faithful and feel close to him. Those words haunted Arthur whenever he caught Francis in this situation. Somehow, these videos had become better love material to Francis than he was. It was months since they had last made love.  
His heart felt torn apart by inner conflict. He very much wanted to leave him, but he also wanted to help him. He knew the man he had fallen in love with was still in there, jailed by the depression, hidden away from sight. He didn't want to believe he was gone. He didn't know how to help him escape the addictions. Arthur leaned over and turned off the computer.

"Arthur, what are you doing?" Francis slurred.

"Go to bed. No discussion." Arthur stood up and opened the door, waiting for Francis to obey. Finally they got to the bedroom to sleep. Francis was offended that Arthur refused to cuddle, but Arthur knew that in the morning Francis would already have forgotten. He hugged his knees. The snoring next to him started, and he cried himself to sleep.

"Please look into jobs today. And do the laundry." Arthur put the coffee down on the nightstand on Francis' side of the bed. "Don't drink today. It's killing you, and we cannot afford it with just my salary. We can hardly pay rent."

"Yes Arthur, I just let myself go a bit yesterday." Francis looked away. Why did he always look away?

"It is Wednesday today. There is no reason to drink like that during the week. Can you also do some cleaning when I am gone? The floors, the bathroom? It's much needed." Arthur knew it wouldn't happen, but he could still ask.

"Hmm…"

Arthur crossed his arms. "You are ignoring me again. Want me to call up your friends and plan an intervention? Antonio, Gilbert?" He rose his eyebrow. "Is that what you want?"

"That's really not necessary." Francis looked up to him. "I made a mistake. It's okay now. It won't happen again"

Arthur left for work. He was angry, but work offered him a distraction. He didn't want to go home. He knew he'd only find Francis drunk, wanking off to porn again. When he returned home he saw what he had suspected. He decided to face him again. Without knocking he entered the office. Francis just closed a window on his computer. "So, done your tasks for today?" Arthur crossed his arms. "Cleaning, laundry? Or is that my task again?"

"I looked for a job." Francis turned around in his chair.

"For ten hours? Did you find any?"

Francis remained silent and averted his gaze.

"Unbelievable." Arthur hissed and left the room, slamming the door shut as he left. Angrily he filled up the washing machine and went to cook. Where had all Francis' passions gone? His smile, the flirting and the playfulness of their relationship? It had become so much worse since Francis had lost his job. This was not the man he had left his country for. This was not the place and relationship he wanted to be in anymore.  
"Dinner is ready!" He yelled, and served the food. He didn't care if Francis thought it was good or not. Francis always just ate silently. Arthur missed the teasing, too. Francis used to light up his world and make it vibrant and lively like a cha-cha-cha, thrilling like a rollercoaster, but soft and comfortable as sleeping in on a rainy Saturday morning without obligations. Living with Francis had become a drag.

"Hi, Matthew, how are you doing?" Arthur spoke nervously on the phone. His voice trembled slightly, but he hoped his friend wouldn't catch up to that. After some small talk, Arthur slowly got to the point. "Hey, um, listen mate. I don't think my relationship with Francis isn't quite… Working out anymore. You see… Eh…" He looked nervously at the door as if Francis could be listening. Rationally he knew he was upstairs.

"I'm sorry to hear that. Can I do something for you?"

"I don't really want to sleep here tonight. Can I crash at your place, at least for the night?" Arthur bit his lip. Again the inner conflict tore him apart, but he had to pick himself right now. Even if it hurt.

"You are always welcome. He didn't hurt you, did he?" Arthur heard the worry in his voice.

"Not physically… I don't want to talk about it. I'll just pack my things now, and let him know that I am away for a bit."

"Be careful Arthur. See you soon."

"Yeah, see you soon." He hung up and sighed. Just for a day, then he would go back to getting Francis back on track.

He slung his backpack over his shoulder and knocked on the office door.

"Yes? Come in?" Arthur entered. Francis turned around in his chair.

"I'm going out for the night. To a friend."

"Who is it?" Francis rose an eyebrow.

"Oh, you don't know her." Arthur lied. "Someone from work."

"Alright, enjoy your night." Francis smiled and stood up. "Can I have a kiss before you go?"

"Of course dear." Arthur returned the smile and kissed him softly. He smelled the alcohol on his breath. "Take care, okay?"

In the car he took a shirt from the backpack. It was an old grey one Francis had thrown away long ago. Arthur had kept it hidden, as he secretly cuddled it when they were apart. It still smelled faintly of Francis. The old Francis. He felt his heart become heavy and he put it away again. He was a fool he just did that, he told himself, but he also knew he just couldn't help himself. He took a few deep breaths to clear his mind from emotion before he drove to Matthew.

"How long has it been going on?" Matthew asked softly. "If you want to tell me. Don't push yourself."

Arthur stared at the wall before them. "Months. He lost his job in November. It's been this bad since February. He just doesn't seem to be able to snap out of it. I'm so tired of looking after him like he is just some sort of… He is not the man I fell in love with."

Matthew placed his hand on his shoulder. "Did you break up with him?"

Arthur shook his head and slouched back. "Nope. I told him that I was going to spend some time with a colleague tonight. He still acts like everything is normal. Can't he just admit that he is depressed?" Arthur spoke angrily. "Everyone knows it, but admitting it to himself? A bridge too far for this man. He'd rather drink." Arthur looked up at Matthew. "And you know what's the worst?" He paused, but not for long enough to give his conversational partner time to respond. "He's replaced me by porn. It's like he doesn't care about my needs anymore. It's the worst. Do you know how touch-starved I am at this point?" Arthur felt the heavy feeling in his heart again, and fought against the tears.

"Do you want me to hug you?" Matthew asked with clear doubt in his voice.

"You might just make me high on oxytocin if you do." Arthur mumbled and closed his eyes. "That means, yes." he added after a moment of silence.

Matthew hugged Arthur. "Don't worry." Matthew whispered. "I got you."

He felt calm for the first time in a long while. His stress had gone down a bit he noticed, and when he felt the softness of the mattress and the lightness and warmth of the blankets over him, he also felt the pain of his joints and muscles. He had been pushing himself too much, he concluded, and sighed softly. It wasn't going to get easier.

"Good night." Matthew whispered from the other side of the bed. He had insisted Arthur would join him in bed instead of crashing on the couch, and it made Arthur feel safe that he watched over him.

"Good night."

Arthur closed his eyes. He tried to enjoy this night of rest the best he could before tomorrow came, before he'd go back to try and save it all once again.


End file.
